Now before I begin the butchery, I must lay out a disclaimer. Though this movie may leave a nasty after taste in my mind, I don’t want to downplay my gratitude to my friend, Shelly Cluff for inviting me, and Shelly’s friends for putting on a premier a whole 3 ½ hours before the midnight showing of a much anticipated movie for the entire nation.
That being said, I will concede and say yes, readers, my standards have dropped and I have seen New Moon.
Let’s begin with one minor detail that irked me to a degree. There were no previews. It went straight to the movie. A good half the reason I go to a movie if for the previews, because then I know at least the beginning of it was great!
I will concede to some redeeming qualities of the movie. The sporadic and infrequent scenes of random action were admittedly thrilling. Seeing as how this was most undoubtedly a chick flick (my reasoning behind that? The werewolf character had his shirt off the entire film. ‘Nuff said. To be discussed later) I was a little surprised at the moments of random violence that was almost uncouth for something so centered on the emotions of an estranged high school senior (raise of hands, who doesn’t find that cliché?). I was deeply intrigued at the stories behind the three main vampires that sat as an unofficial government seat for vampires everywhere. Their collective 20 lines total told more about their story and left me wanting more from them, compared to the endless ‘tormented’ dialogue from the protagonist. Just in their demeanor, their visage, there was a more profound archetypal back story behind each one than I’ve found in a great deal many other like stories or movies. Additionally, I almost wish to read the books now with an intrigue on the story behind the werewolves and their purpose. There was much more to be said with respect to their casual appreciation for their monstrous powers, which turn out to be hereditary, as it were. It was a thirst that could not be quenched as I endured through the rest of this mind numbing parade of low literary prowess.
Thus, I descend into the depths of hell, the very jaws opening at my presence to swallow me whole, as in the very beginning there is a slow sequence of the vampire boyfriend Edward walking from his expensive, yet unflattering car, towards Bella. Five minutes into the movie I was unaware of what I had gotten myself into. Six minutes betrayed that knowledge and my stomach sank. This was going to be very long.
Let’s be honest folks, this pasty white, lanky, vampire is ugly. So who’s fawning after this guy? For what reason? Is it his endless cheesy and undesirable lines of romance? Let’s face it, the dialogue could give Starwars Episode 3 a run for its money. There were strokes of brilliance, especially in the father’s character. But, as a whole, the character dialogue was gritty, predictable, and without rhythm. You would be startled at the points of wisdom or maturity that each character would state, and then within the next sentence be guilty of the grossest of immaturities reminiscent of my own angsty teen days of my freshman and sophomore high school years. Who wants to relive that?
In addition to the confusing dialogue that gave me no solid foundation behind the character’s individual personalities, what artists crawled out of the cesspool of understandably forgotten music to provide the random scores during this display of serious lack of talent? Each time our protagonist was ‘feeling,’ someone dug through the moldy recesses of some backwater suburbia for unseemly and meaningless notes strung together. It was at each time that these scores would play that I legitimately asked myself, “Wow, this movie kinda draws out doesn’t it?”
What happened to the deadly secret of the werewolf’s identity? First off, I’m sick of folk telling me they’re not werewolves, they’re just dudes that turn into big scary wolf things. Oh wait, sorry, I thought THAT’S WHAT A WEREWOLF WAS. Prove me I’m wrong, but during this entire flick, I was unconvinced that they were anything but. Since there is an argument to that point, and considering I’m not an expert in the subject of ‘Twilight Mythology’ (thank the heavens), I have naught but the years of Van Helsing, The Wolf Man, and European/North American mythology to back my thesis. But returning to my original argument, a good half of the movie (I’m unsure if that’s accurate seeing as how it felt like I spent an eternity watching this. Day is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles, it’s inapplicable. In this case, half the movie, doubly so.) was spent trying to keep a secret that the audience was anxiously pained over because they already knew it. For someone who was unfamiliar with the stories altogether, it was frustrating, because it was easy to see what the issue was, and with all other rules being made, kept, and broken in rapid succession in the New Moon world, I was tearing my hair out trying to understand why they decided to drag out the obvious! And then, once the secret was revealed, it was tossed aside like a hazy bad dream on a feverish summer’s night. With casual disinterest, these werewolves related their story when only minutes before, our unattractive protagonist’s life was threatened over it. WHAT?
Additionally, the werewolf had his shirt off the entire movie. How am I supposed to impress the girl I’m taking out on a date to her movie, if she’s got visions of this plastic cutout, worse than the old Batmans might I add, floating around her head the rest of the evening?
Equally frustrating was the relationship between Bella and the werewolf. How is it that she is blinded by her infatuation with the ugly pasty vampire, regardless of the true nature of friendship that was fostered by the werewolf? How is that fair, that after all the werewolf had done to show his devotion to her, he was rejected in the end?
I missed the climax, I’m sure it was in there somewhere, unless this was so poorly written there was none. No third grade writer would be guilty of that.
In any case, with all things considered, I have decided this movie in becoming my new precedent. This movie has proven to be grouped in an undesirable category separate from the rest, but it would seem that it has been years since I have found such distaste and confusion in a single setting. I could have understandably forgotten them, but this will probably be burned in my memory for a long time. Save me. Thus, this movie merits the bottom of the barrel. One would think that its pros would out weigh its cons, but they only add and increase the chaos. God have mercy on the souls who watch it in future generations. Learn from my example, and don’t tread the path I have blazed.
Until next time –
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