Worst Movie Ever: Episode 1

No, not Star Wars Episode 1, though that certainly ranks up there somewhere (The fact that Ray Park is Darth Maul off sets the balance there, evens out our favorite Gungan). Seeing as how TV just really isn't my thing, and I need a new form of 'homework' as far as writing goes, I've decided to begin this series of Worst Movies. It was a serious task to try and figure out which one to write about first and also the system by which I plan to gauge the horror of each whether it being the EBCO Factor (Eye's Being Clawed Out Factor) or the BB Complex (Bleeding Brain). I eventually settled on a tamer yet no less appropriate form to measure my results. It is the ALW Ratio (Chances of me choosing to watch an Andrew Lloyd Webber Musical Movie marathon rather than the movie compared to). Though this system may not be as statistically mathematical as others may be (four or five stars, pish, what a cop out) it is no less accurate. That being said on to my first column of worst movie.

It has been said that Jennifer Lopez is a great actress. Unfortunately most those that said it never so much as set foot in an acting class to remind the rest of the students about their school Spirit Week! Such a statement is proven false when you compound her 'skill' with the plotless Monster in Law. Yes, I will concede, I have seen it and it has made a little of me die inside. I will play devil's advocate and admit that there were a few points of hilarity, ones where I nearly gave a chuckle. But let's be honest folks, the main reason why we would watch this is to make out. If there is anyone that chooses to watch this on their own, I pray for you.

The premise of the movie is to introduce Jlo's fiance (Michael Vartan) and his mother (Jane Fonda). While JLo and her husband to be are blissfully happy with each other, once she meets her soon-to-be-mother-in-law, an age old battle over Vartan explodes. On the one hand, he's JLo's, while on the other, Fonda is playing the over-protective mother. And yes, this goes on for at least an hour, maybe two. Lost those brain cells right quick.

In any case, I have dug for a meaningful plotline in this debacle and have yet to encounter one, I tried to understand the choppy screenplay and was almost as confused as when I saw the first Incredible Hulk, and let's be honest, I'm just not a fan of Jane Fonda. Prove me wrong if you will, but here is my standing. Now for the verdict. By analysis, let it be known that this movie reaches a ALW Ratio of 0.65, or 65% chance of me choosing to rather watch Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yeah, it's that bad, but thus are my results, and that is where is stand. Stay tuned for my next installment, and let's explore the jems of the horrific filmaking world.